So for some reason this past week I have completely lost all of my motivation. Not just for fighting but for everything. I felt dead and didn't know why. I just wanted to lie around and be a waste of space. It felt as if my soul had died. I'm not quite sure what it was. I mean usually I'll go through a brief spat of depression after every fight. I know a lot of fighters do. You have this huge build up to this event that your entire life is built around. All of the training dieting, killing yourself day in and day out. Then the fight happens and suddenly it's all over. You're left with this empty feeling inside. I don't know why this happens. It'll only last a few days and isn't that intense. I'm usually just a little bummed out for a while. For whatever reason after this last fight it was really bad. I don't know if it's cause I lost or what. I knew that I still wanted to fight but I just couldn't get motivated to do it. I had a fight coming up in about 2 and a half weeks and I just had no desire to train for it. I couldn't believe it was happening, of all times. This was going to be a huge fight. A rematch for a title. I knew he was training his ass off to kick mine but for some reason I just didn't care. Then finally the day I started feeling a little motivation I got a call telling me that the fight wasn't going to happen. This really put a damper on my mood. I just threw my hands up and left the gym, not sure when I would return. I was praying about it a lot, I didn't know why I felt this way. I thought maybe I'm not supposed to do this anymore, that quickly went away as I know this is what I was meant for but I hated this feeling. To not be motivated for the one thing in my life that brings me all of my motivation and drive for everything else. It was as if someone put the fire of my soul out. I talked to few of my friends and loved ones and asked for their advice, which was a little weird for me since I'm usually the one that people go to for help, not sure why. They told me that maybe I just needed a break. I mean I've been doing this non stop, day in and day out, for the past 4 years without ever truly having a break. They said they didn't know how I've kept it up this long. I really don't even know. I realized that things had started becoming routine. I mean I live at the gym, all I do is train, fight, and go to fights. My last few fights I had zero emotion about, I mean I definitely wanted to fight but I just didn't have that drive, I wasn't happy or sad. It was just like any other day for me. In a way that was good cause I didn't have anything clouding my focus but at the same time if you have no emotion about doing what you love then why do you do it? It was hard for me to realize, or think, that I had lost my passion for this. My friends told me I should take time off, truly take time off, most of the time when I would take breaks I would still be at the gym in one way or another, so I did. I sat around all day thinking about my life, eating, drinking, trying to evaluate where I was and where I wanted to go. I realized that I hadn't lost my passion, I had just been doing the same thing for so long that it became routine. I realized that no matter how much passion you have for something, sometimes you need to change it up a bit or take a break. You need to take a step back and look at your life once in a while. See where you're at, where you're going and where you want to end up. I know that I was put on this earth to be a fighter, more than anything else this is one thing that I know for sure. I love being able to inspire people through doing what I love, who could ask for more. That is one of my favorite things about fighting, people telling me that I inspired them to do something, even if it's not to fight, but to do something with their lives. I don't know how my fighting helps people out like that but I am extremely grateful that it does. I don't think that there's anything better in this world than having a positive influence on someone's life and inspiring them to make changes that they never would have before. I pray that I can continue to inspire people, regardless of whether I'm winning or loosing, and continue to do what I love. All the people that come up to me at the fights or contact me letting me how I affected them makes me want to continue this that much more. I will continue to do this as long as I can. I know that every fight could be my last and that's why I always give it my all and would never give up, no matter what. You would have to carry me out on a stretcher to finish me off, even if it means killing me. This is my life. I feel bad about being uninspired this past week but I'm grateful for the people who gave me such good advice and that I was able to take a step back for a moment. I'm really looking forward to getting back in the gym and doing what I love day in and day out. For everyone that is having trouble going after their dreams don't be disappointed, it's not always going to be easy. In the beginning you have all the motivation in the world but as more and more time passes it gets a increasingly difficult. If you feel like I did just take a step back, take a break or do something different for a while. It doesn't mean that you're giving up, sometimes we have to take steps back in order to go forward. No matter what go after what it is that you want. Sometimes what you want can change and that's OK but never settle and never lose the idea that you deserve to do what makes you happy. And no matter how far off your dream is continue do go towards it. As long as you are moving forward you are going away from the things that didn't bring you happiness. My mother sent me this wonderful quote last week, “I am the creator of my own joy and happiness. Today I recognize that I will not find happiness by waiting for it to happen, or by having it bestowed upon me by a happiness benefactor. I find joy in who I am, and I relish what life has to offer. True happiness does not come from externals. True happiness does not come from flashy cars, stylish clothes, and expensive homes. I do not need "the right person" to make me happy, nor do I search for happiness the way I search for a lost set of keys. I define happiness for myself. I make my own happiness today and experience joy in living in my own unique way.”-Rokelle Lerner. So, to everyone out there, continue to move forward, no matter how many setbacks you have. Every moment is a new one, it's never too late to start living your life the way you know that you should. I want to thank everyone who has let me know how my words have helped them in their lives. I can't tell you how much I appreciate hearing that and it makes me want to continue to write. I don't know how or why it helps people, I am just extremely grateful that it does. God bless you all!